Saturday, September 17, 2011

analysing the long way home.

Bless web analytics tools. While most people use them for serious business and as a basis for endless tech, marketing and communication meetings, I like to look for all the silly bits. Here are a few random pieces of data relating to this blog, during the period between January 1st and today, that I thought would be fun to share with you.

- The biggest day
July 13th was by far and away the day the long way home received more visits. It's such a peak that it looks like an erect penis on the page visit graph for the whole year, actually. Funnily enough, it was the day I published the recap of my unforgettable Iceland trip. I guess I need to go back soon, just to have another popular day.

- Search engine keywords that led to this blog

This is by far the best source of random awesomeness in these tools. What did people google for that led them to this place? In between a lot of records - the last Virus album in particular generated a shitload of desperate visits just because of a little post where I said I was going to listen to it, at a time when it hadn't come out yet - being looked for by the downloading mob, who must all hate me by now, there's a lot of funny, creepy or just downright puzzling stuff. Check it out:

extortion loose screws starkweather this sheltering night
"deathspell omega" stargazer ("great work of ages" or "scream that tore") 
The first person has some seriously good taste. Not satisfied with looking for a kickass album, (s)he looked for two at the same time! I'm sure this is one of the only places where they have ever been mentioned within the same list, so I hope you stayed as a regular. As for the second searcher, great combined taste there too, although it's unclear why Deathspell Omega were shoved into the beginning of a StarGazer search.

horny milfs
painful anal surprise 
3 layer climax
google skinny dipping 
hot horny milfs getting fucked hard and painfully
These people, especially the first two searches, probably had to go through half the internet to get to my poor little blog. I expect some twenty-three million sites show up ahead of mine when it comes to horny milfs, don't you? That's some serious desperation there. As for a 3 layer climax, I don't know what it is, but it sounds like something I wouldn't mind trying. Also, who writes google as a keyword in a search that has nothing to do with it? Scary. Not as scary as the last one, though. Very specific tastes there. However, not as specific as...

hwat is the name of the book about the baltimore teenage girls who accidently killed the baby that they found
This also shows that there are people who talk to google as if it was a person sitting next to them. I'm surprised it doesn't start with a hey, how are you doing?.

how lng does dislocated ankel takes to get healed
Probably less than it would take for you to write correct English. And I have a feeling this one is your fault, Jaime.

extreme weiners
Hey, whatever floats your boat. I won't judge.

vomiting owl 
As I said, if that's what works for you...

fuck me i'm portuguese
fuck on the way home 
I wonder if this was the same guy on both, trying to get a different angle on the situation?

"metal flows in my veins"
Alright! \m/ This one makes me rather proud.

bruce dickinson and his wife
bruce dickinson children
bruce dickinson ex-wife
bruce dickinson funny
bruce dickinson house
bruce dickinson raar
bruce dickinson santiago
bruce dickinson wearing black
bruce dickinson young
jared leto bruce dickinson
who is bruce dickinson married to
This is what happens when you're a public figure. Think of that before you aim for rock stardom. All of this because I have a little pic and a mention of Bruce on the interview with my buddy Neil. Now that I  actually wrote all this, I'll probably get a million hits a day. Speaking of Neil...

neil grant obituary tattoo drugs "neil grant" 
This inspires a world of questions, mate.

who is the unhealthy guy in motley crue?
Good question! I'd rephrase it to Who isn't, though. Lord knows how that made him land here, too.

why does everyone like the scottish
You clearly never met a Scot.
This person needs to attend a few lessons on how to use the internet.

for a glory of all evil spirits
celtic frost ugh
Best google searches EVER.

black sheep and kissing cousins stone main pooint 
Huh? (I'm aware it's a book, but I still wonder how it led here. Maybe the misspelling of point confused google)

I think this person was in a bad mood. And a bad speller too.

bobb trimble female voice
I know, I know, I was confused too at first. But I figured it out, and now you did too, if you read the post.

slayer sauth of heaven album
I think I can see where the problem was.

- Around the world
Kinda like José's top 10s, here are the countries from where I get the most visits:

01. United States
02. Portugal
03. Brazil
04. United Kingdom
05. Iceland
06. Germany
07. Canada
08. Sweden
09. Australia
10. Greece

The presence of tiny Iceland there makes me very happy, especially with the number that it is, roughly around 8.000 visits. One day, I will have more visits than the total population of Iceland. Further down the list, there are visits from apparently unlikely places such as Pakistan, Trinidad and Tobago, Vietnam, Kenya or Cambodia. Whoever you people are, it's nice to have you! Well, unless one of you is...

- The creepy stalker

This isn't a particularly spellbinding place. Not many have it in them to nerd out about weird music on a daily basis like I do, and much less read other people doing it. So I never thought I'd attract obsessive followers. But it says here that someone has accessed this blog 887 times since January 1st (seriously), always from the same place, almost every day, almost always at the same time, using one of those bypass services (, this one) that people use to access blocked sites at schools and offices and stuff.

So, are you just someone who happens to have the long way home. on your daily bookmarks and for some reason it's blocked by your office's IT department (reason enough to fire the lot, I'd say) when you log on it every fucking day during your coffee break, or will you start mailing me pictures of my underwear drying on the clothesline anytime soon?

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